Valentine's Day; the couple upstairs are jumping up and down and screaming at each other in Chinese, and my Facebook newsfeed is registering 33% lamentation, 33% smuggery, and 34% propositions we all 'jus get bollok drunk LOLz'.
In the spirit of this fine occasion:
Top 5 Least Appropriate and Yet Gratifyingly Memorable Gifts From My Husband
- a 30AA bra.
(a birthday; sadly, not my 14th. Still, doesn't every woman long to re-enact the classic romcom direction: girlfriend hesitantly unwraps present, holds up improbably slight item of lingerie: Uh... what is this?)
- a box of chocolates in a brown envelope, accompanied by an aggressive note that can be best summarized 'will this fucking do?'.(a Valentine's Day which fell during a difficult period in our relationship)
- before we married, a ring-oh-not-that-kind-of-ring. Nervous laughter; awkward silence.(a Valentine's Day which precipitated a difficult period in our relationship)
- a Richard Dawkins text, or any novel with 'death' in the title.
(various impromptu moments when my mind has seemed in need of improvement)
- a burgundy fedora that Huggy Bear would consider a tad too pimpish.
(a Christmas; now kindly donated to a men's shelter in Dusseldorf)
Top 5 Gifts Received By Prima Ballerina Margot Fonteyn;
Look, I Know I've Never Danced Swan Lake, But I'm Just Saying
- a pure white kitten lying on a velvet cushion, in a basket of white orchids.
(from Roland Petit, Paris)
- a little packet containing a beautifully simple diamond bracelet.
(from Tito Arias, New York)
- a silver spoon that once belonged to Taglioni.
(from Tamara Platonovna Karsavina, London)
- a cuff of rubies, diamonds, pearls and emeralds, in a green velvet box.
(from, oh dear, Imelda Marcos, Manila)
- an otter.
(from her mother, Penang)