5 Conversational Gambits to be Avoided with my Husband
- Amusing anecdotes relating to the cats.
[= husband is bored; feels increased desire to have affairs with sorority girls]
- The Calvin Klein dress in a Macy's garment bag hidden in the vacuum cupboard.
[= ever read Little Women/Good Wives? Remember when Meg rashly spent $50 on a violet silk and told her husband John Brooke she was tired of being poor, and then he couldn't afford to buy a winter coat? Like that, but with more cussing, and it doesn't end with me returning the dress]
- Comments about the Large Hadron Collider, as gleaned from magazine articles.
[= husband laughs long enough for me to take offense]
- Questions like 'why is the Predator attacking Arnold Schwarzenegger?'
[= husband laughs long enough for me to take offense, and won't acknowledge that having missed the first 90 minutes of the film makes this a valid question]
- What I did today.
[= husband reacts with pity or other unfavourable judgements when the answer turns out to be 'posted a letter', 'nothing', or 'rose at noon and then read Tennessee Williams plays aloud in hopes of perfecting Southern Belle accent']
Topics of Conversation my Husband Prefers
- What he ate for lunch.
- Someone knows someone whose wife's work permit application took just 6 weeks.
- The precise degree and nature of his tiredness and other maladies.
- Cake is on $1 sale at Vons.
- The BlackHat collaboration.
Conversation We Can Both Enjoy
- Any beginning "When we have a car..."